Nearly eighteen months of uncertainty, not over but, at least for now in abeyance, officially no current active cancer, I am in remission.
I had met up with my fellow 'Living with Cancer' course buddies, well the few that could or , would or wanted to make it & we chatted, laughed and finally, embraced & left our different ways. "Ring any time", "Remember we are one", we all agreed, but that would not be so easy, we felt the link, but it was not a commonality we wanted to share, not a similarity we wanted to develop.
So at the end of March, we settled our UK property & with son, set off back to the world we had been so abruptly torn from and the place & country we love, France. I suppose it should have been a good omen when, upon arrival we all felt immediately relaxed & for my son & husband, unreasonably tired.They toiled, they slept, they toiled they slept..a strange cathartic rythum of honest work and a year of mental exhaustion. It was as if the very French countryside had crept over us, soothed us, calmed us, reminded us of more innocent times and, like babes tired from our troubled adventures, lulled us to sleep.
We trawled the markets, restocked the wood pile and toiled in the garden: all good wholesome work making limbs tired & soothing our minds. Mindfulness is easy when you are focussed on the present necessity of setting nature in order, sleep becomes automatic when limbs are tired from strain & brains from grappling with language, social meetings & cultural differences. There's no room for speculation on mortality or anxiety about what might be when the present is so demanding & all around you.
Spring becoming early summer; from primroses to cherry blossom and endless greenery bursting into life. The migrant birds returning and bird song from early morning to late evening and all around the world celebrating the season & the sunshine.So slowly we have begun putting our house, well gite & grounds, into order and rebuilding the dream which has sat waiting for nearly eighteen months. We walked away in ignorance of what was to befall us, expecting to return in a few months to set up and settle into another summer in French bocage. Now we must needs start again!
We have had so much help & care in England, family & special friends who have gone so fa,r so many times in small & large ways to help us. It has been humbling & was good to know they felt at ease in the knowledge that we were in France, happy & content. And then there have been the people here, who have helped & stood up to be counted and now were waiting to greet, wish us well, dine with us, chat & check all was OK, reignite & rebuild old friendships.
Last night was one such occasion when we went out to eat at a super restaurant weitha good French friends Nicole. life has not been easy for her this last year, but she celebrated with us, happy in our good times. At the end of the evening, her parting gift to me was a beautiful flower arrangements; it said it all, we were enjoying the good times and shaking a fist at the bad. My jigsaw pieces become increasingly more colourful and their links show wonderful detail of light & pattern.
And is it all idyllic ? Am I at peace with the world? Do I spend each day smiling at the blue skies & open vistas? Well sometimes yes, but mostly no. I still struggle with side effects & worry about what might be or how I ought to do more or get more fit. But good wines & fine French dining, give me a perspective on life & a realisum that allows me to relax & enjoy life for what it is. And when this little piece of paradise does not quite work or toil becomes too much and underlying fears raise their head, I've learnt a simple mantra from the last year...
"Oh sod it...la vie est belle"
