Its been a long time coming, there have been a lot of tears and an abundance of caring, but yesterday I hit the jackpot.
Now it may not be the big win or the final cure, but it was life affirming and restored my hope. Close to a year since my last chemotherapy, nearly two years from that original diagnosis and a multitude of ups and downs, but yesterday was a good one.
When you spend your days and weeks wondering what those results will say, how your body will react, when the medics will take charge again, anything that gives you a measure of control, is blessed. When you march to the hospital clock and the rythmn of appointments and treatments,your freedom, is like that of a tethered dog.
But yesterday I was given a three month pass, a ticket to carefree life, ordinary and wonderful. For how many years do we take for granted the future and the hope of time? It just exists, always has and,so we tell ourselves, always will be.
So when the oncologist says she is pleased with the scan and that those days of radiotherapy have worked, you stagger with disbelief, gasp with wonder. I am not cured, its not over, but for three blissful months I don't need to think about the what ifs and my family and friends can relax and smile.
To see their faces, hear the catch in their voice, watch the sparkle in their eyes and the tumble of their words, is a joy, pure joy. The saddest and hardest thing about cancer is the fact that you may be hurting the very people you love so much and yesterday I could lift that burden and laugh with them.
On Wednesday I took my mum for a 90th birthday Mother & Daughter Spa Day; a way of saying thank you and I love you, for all she has given in our not so easy relationship. I tried to think what gift she would want and decided to feel young and frivilous again and to have time was the best gift I could give and we had a wonderful day. She laughed and chatted to the beautician as though she herself were twenty two again, getting her nails painted and comparing life's stories, it was wonderful to watch.Two days later I get that gift of time back and hear her voice so pleased at what the medics say.
And my son and daughter each smiling into the phone when I ring them from the hospital corridor, I can hear the smile in their voices, the truly wonderful pleasure in their tones, its magical! Messages and calls thanking, informing spreading the good news, I am again humbled at peoples care and real pleasure.
And my husband, who can't stop smiling, fidgeting with excitement, stopping mid sentence to just stare, then smiling again, His brain full of plans and love, he can't contain his pleasure, doesn't want to, his joy is in every movement and every nuance of his expression and vocabulary.
On Wednesday, on the gym wall at that spa, I read a boxing quote and it touched me, but its only now I know the real depth of meaning of those words and I intend to stand by them.
They read,
'Where the mind leads, the body follows...'
