Stress, well relatively speaking...

On Wednesday I received a message from a very old friend and ex colleague. She overcame breast cancer some 24 years ago, but sadly the cancer has returned . Within the tissue around the site of the radiotherapy.

Ironic that the cure that had helped her heal had damaged the tissue and given cancer access to grow. At first this devastating news seemed very uncertain; operation, skin graft, chemo, radiotherapy.. uncertain!. But by Thursday with MRI and . scan results, it was clear that the cancer was localised and thankfully had not spread.
It's at these times you understand the meaning of 'stress'. This family have already stared into the abyss of cancer, grappled with the treatments and the fear. It seemed so unfair that they, and, in particular she, should have to face the ordeal again That's stress!

Then there was Friday morning, something and nothing in the light of all the procedures over the last eighteen months, a simple dentists visit. I'd been in August, have always maintained regular checks, but had a niggling tooth....maybe part of a filling missing I thought. Unfortunately seems I have a badly decayed molar, below the gum line and an extraction is necessary. Silly, its only an extraction, been there before, but it just got to me. Maybe its past experience; dental surgery, a broken jaw, but more self pity....my stress bucket overflowed. Single stress, not the real, double hard fear, sleep stealing with your face hard against the wall...bit it got to me.

Then Friday evening came and the news broke of the carnage on the streets and in the theatres and restaurants and bars of Paris. Innocent people, enjoying a night out, relaxing, suddenly had their life cut short, their friends and family devastated and a nation in morning. Stress on a national & international scale.

Now the thing with stress is its relative. That little word, so readily used, is always, always relative. Yes my friend is in a difficult place and has to undergo surgery and skin grafts, her family have weeks and months of worry. And yes my minor dental anxiety has to be dealt with.

But for all those families scarred forever, damaged; all those relationships destroyed, hope ended...a very different dimension to stress. We all need to remember our relativity, consider the fairness and analyse the depth.. it still feels overpowering, overwhelming and debilitating, but at least today we can get up and move, we have actions we can take.
In Paris some innocent people have lost that choice, they will never get up and move again.

Get by with little help from our friends...

I got to feeling gloomy,
No reason, just too much.
Those words, so far, not easy,
Be quiet, do not fuss.

And tired, keeping cheerful,
And smile if I can.
Above those words of medicine,
And love of this one man.

It's 'metastatic' movement,
It's 'palliative' care.
It means nothing on the paper,
To me it's everywhere.

I can't escape the meaning,
I can't avoid the fear.
I try to cover over,
And bring my loved ones near.

And bombs and guns and suffering,
All worldly woes and fears.
Above those words of freedom,
The bigotry and jeers.

Unlike those tragic victims,
My battle gives me time.
To say the words that matter,
To make a peace with mine.

But cloudy, dowdy,Sunday
And sorry for myself.
The words that clog my heart strings,
Lie dusty on the shelf

I think people have forgotten,
Its all gone on so long.
I'm  crying in the side-lines,
It surely must be wrong.

And have you seen how well she looks?
And yes she seems content.
It cant be what they say it is,
It can't be what she meant.

They cant believe or fathom,
They cant maintain the pace.
They've given hope and kisses,
They've looked me in the face.

But months and years are passing,
And now as time goes by.
We're left to keep on smiling,
And always wondering why?

So cry alone and silent,
So love can give me hope.
So much intense emotion,
So far, so near to cope.

And Paris streets are shaken,
And Syrian children cry.
And I consider lucky,
I know the reason why.

But need a little help now,
A visit or a word.
The world and we need healing,
Your  voices must be heard.

Content' and 'well' and 'happy',
The mirror can tell lies,
Just look a little closer,
You'll see it in my eyes !

So share with all a smile,
Give each a word, a thought,
Remember we're in this together,
This life, this world....or naught.




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Time,time, time to see what's become of me

It's a sort of in between feeling, a limbo, as I wait, yet again. Finished the last of ten radiotherapy sessions eight weeks ago. Saw the oncologist after six weeks, further scan after seven...its all numbers, everything measured in time, my life counted out.

Used to be I measured time by school terms, seven to eight weeks of work to every break; booked appointments, family visits, friends activities and yearly celebrations marking the time. There were jobs to do in those holidays, people to see, life to catch up on. And all the time plan for how to achieve the next goal, make the next step, whether that be personal or professional.

Holidays and hobbies, passions and interests and plenty of good times. I cycled, skied, windsurfed and sailed. On horseback or motorbike, gym shoes or walking boots. The goals were measured in numbers and levels: how far run, what grade in karate, what wind speed, which sail size and all those numbers celebrated.

And then there was professional development; Open University, London Externals, night classes and courses. Psychology & leadership, dyslexia and behaviour difficulties, headship and lecturing. Never staying still always looking to improve, understand more, challenge and question; my time devoted to those children & young people with learning or behaviour difficulties.

And more latterly the goals have been French orientated; early retirement, renovation, learning a language & culture and setting up a small holiday business www.abientot-art.com. More goals, more chalenges, time passing tick tock, tick tock...

And why am I musing this now, well it was all about long term goals and control. Cancer has you questioning or rearranging anything long term and the control passes entirely to the medics.So here I am in between: between the two worlds of what I was and who I am and waiting, pacing time.

Hence I was fascinated when I watched a programme fronted by Professor Brian Cox entitled, ' What time is it?' With his incredible mix of science and story telling he explained in stages how time is measured in different ways and that there is no definitive answer The earth is apparently slowing down on its axis, very gradually, but slowing and  time is thus moving differently. The Myans believed  in honouring space and the movement of the planets, a balance between time and space. Brian Coxs physicists assertion that potentially 'Time made space', was intriguing and rang home with me.

Time may be segmented, currently measured intensely, but always linked with perception.The time space continuum may be complex and hard to comprehend, but endless and everlasting.

 Now that's what you call long term goals....sorted!