My Facebook profile today reminded me of a memory from two years ago on the 1st June 2014, it read:
"Lovely Sunday Morning, but hard to remain cheerful. My legs very swollen (lymph drainage post op) and severe nausea. Today might be one hour at a time".
Well I thought, look what determined did!
Just occasionally life lets me forget how hard it has been on this cancer journey and then reminds me , with avengence, just how hard it still is sometimes. There I was continuing the daily toil, looking forward to a holiday, from our holiday home to below the Loire and the hope of some sunshine, then reality came up.
Started with what seemed like a stomach upset, over a week became worse and finally, partly by anxiety and largely by my husbands insistence, a visit to the French GP. Now anyone who has had cancer and particularly when you know its not curable, will tell you, such events go from mild concern to real raw worry in no time. So, French in hand and determined to play this down, its only a bug & not a reoccurrence, I visited the 'Medicine'. She examined, asked about the rash (which I hadn't even noticed before) on my stomach & chest and then said it was vital I had further tests immediately! I thought meningitis, allergic reaction, but no she asserted she needed to check my blood platelet levels. Apparently if they drop dramatically, with my compromised immune system, it could be very dangerous and an indication of cancer spread!
OK what was it that Jonesy said in Dad's Army, "Nobody panic, nobody panic, I can do it myself!". The doctor telephoned & we were instructed to go to Mayenne immediately for further tests. " Please to drive quickly, but not dangerously" madame le docteur instructed us as she sent us on our way with, 'bon courage', ringing in our ears. We were silent to start with, both deep in thought , commenting on traffic and the town, both in another place seeking strength and not believing.
Now for those who think the UK & French medical systems are very different I disagree. having been hospitalised three times in France and twice that in the UK I have only praise for both. The reaction times, the clarity of referral and the actions are equally praiseworthy in both. Maybe in France the wait is a little less but the follow up in the UK is deeper & longer; maybe the additional support is from the outset in the UK, but in France the time/ one to one care is great.
We arrived, I had blood tests and had a phone message with the results on our answer phone from the GP, before we got back the 15 miles from Mayenne. Apparently all was well, my platelet levels were good and my bloods were, "parfait". So we went from uncertain, to intense concern, to OK, 'I'm unwell, but its just a stomach bug".
Hence we go on, day by day, just as we should looking forward and keeping ever hopeful. And life ticks on. We looked at each other, deep in our own worlds and wondered, wondered and smiled. Its hard to understand the level of reality and inevitability this fractured jigsaw journey can take, but its sure not dull.
And a Facebook friend commented about my memory from 2014, '...you have been so brave and courageous. You are a beacon to us all!'. Its a lovely sentiment but I've certainly never felt brave or courageous and as to my beacon, well it certainly flickered this week, but its now reset to light my way again.
This jigsaw started with confusion, no clear picture and just the corner pieces. I've just realised that its grown from a hundred pieces to an immeasurable number; so much, so many, so far and so detailed. And now I can share some of that with others, perhaps be a little piece in their jigsaw as they are in mine.
