Chemo Rhyming Couplets...

It seems that the more anxious and caged I feel, the greater the desire to write in rhyme.  Maybe its safety or the need to tame my brain; don’t over think it, live in the moment, go for the present ! Oh dear well that's not going to happen just writing this ....

 

You cannot change, the who or what.

About yourself or what you’ve got.

But family lessons, people’s way,

You’ve time to ponder how things lay.

 

The spoilt one, its love they seek

Who spoils all, acceptance weak.

For now old age Mum matters not.

Must be the first, must get the lot.

 

And then the brother damaged so.

Who can’t respond, who doesn’t know.

Just how to love or selfless care.

Moneys his god, he doesn’t dare.

 

And somewhere lost in age & time

My father sits with mind sublime.

But locked in guilt and anger too.

That war lost youth with feelings true.

 

And nuclear family, wonderful Ron.

Intelligent, creative, loving strong.

Daughter steadfast, caring so.

Son so loving consistent know.

 

Relations close the circle fast.

Making sure my life can last.

Be the brother, hold the line.

Niece and in law, all is fine.

 

And friends and neighbours all who care.

With gifts and message, sentiment fair.

You make me strong, you keep me sane.

You’ll never know, you ease the pain.

 

All the love around and all the care, I am humbled and honoured. I feel nurtured and privileged to know how much people, not only feel positively about me, but that they are prepared to publicly share that. I spent many years, both in work, social ways, countering the professional jealousies and workplace  fighting, with people envying or showing animosity.

But now I feel the warmth of care, the softness of love and the all-embracing

calmness of hope.

Thank you all        

 

Patient patient, that special link

 

There is a very special link between the medical staff and  cancer sufferers and the emotional bond is both ways. I asked one male nurse why he worked in this speciality his story, humbled &  silenced me.

He said, having worked in oncology, he had had a medical work related  accident which had left him part paralysed in his twenties. Wheelchair bound he was offered experimental surgery / treatment which could resolve this, but could make it worse and leave him permanently disabled. His response was to sit back, not risk it,stay safe. Then he thought of the cancer patients he had known and how much resolve & how hard they fought. His spirit lifted and he thought, how can I not try, what right do I have to just sit here, I must fight. So he had the operation, did the lengthy rehab and as he said, “look at me now, life is a gamble and you have to give yourself the best odds”.

My curiosity raised I started to watch & listen to the nurse /patient interactions, what I found made me see cancer treatment in a ‘Whole’ different way.

The following story was told to me by a cancer nurse, late one evening, during my weeks stay in hospital. She told me that she had been a MacMillan nurse in a hospice where she met a terminally ill young patient. Both of very similar age & interests, laughed a lot together and both were very proud of their hair; long and blonde.

The patient was aware that she was going to loose her beautiful hair & decided to have the long locks cut off and a clip on pony tail made. This done, as her shorter hair lessened, she could still enjoy her own, though pretend locks. The nurse simultaneously decided to have her hair cut and was bitterly disappointed with the results.

As she was attending the sick patient, the patient realised the nurse was not happy and questioned her.” It will grow back”, the nurse asserted, “not a problem*, but in her heart she felt a loss. The patient comforted her; ill but with huge empathy, she retained the care for others and knew the importance of the trivia in everyday life & that its all relative to where you are.

The nurse later moved job and received a package addressed to her and, on opening the parcel, found it contained the clip on pony tail. Apparently the dying woman  had asked her mother, to ensure that, when she died, the beautiful hair piece was sent to the nurse. She knew just how important how you feel is. What happens on the outside effects what happens on the inside.

Do you call it pride, vanity, self esteem or care? Whatever it is, it’s a vital ingredient in keeping a grasp on reality in this unreal world of chemicals and beeping machines.

So, did the nurse wear it? Yes many times and loved it. And now, does she still have it all those years on? Yes, its sits nestled lovingly in a box,in a drawer; a loving memory of a simple life affirming belief… be yourself!

From Rainbow fields to Guardian Angels

Its interesting peoples responses to cancer. Even the word itself is sometimes avoided or cloaked  in euphemism. But it’s more fascinating how individuals react to me personally.

I have been humbled by the words cards and gestures of support. People don’t realise just how supportive they are being, how much strength it gives and how much positivity it generates. It’s the people who look you in the eyes, see your predicament but still see you. Now that can happen one to one but even happen in an e mail or Facebook entry…. You know just in those few words just how much that person means its quite remarkable.

Then there’s the strange responses, like the link I was sent to a piece called ‘The Rainbow Bridge’, which, it turned out was about how animals can get into heaven. Similarly a visual post about guardian angels, in itself a good message, but the illustration was of fairy figures like those in a children’s story.

People try to be helpful and find solutions sending information about possible miracle substances or wonder cures. These vary from medical peer revised articles to newsprint and general press releases. They suggest a whole gambit of products and substances from orange juice to cannabis, people trying to be really helpful.

And then the messages of hope, phrases to inspire, statements of philosophy and affirmations of life. All wonderful expressions of care and hope….thank you all .But please save me from the cuddly kittens and cute pouches….I like animals, but fantasy v philosophy, that’s a step too far!

And as to my real guardian angels, well they are there. They turn up when I most need them (selfless and time giving), they answer my written thoughts (mails & calls), they realise my inner toil, but don't let me mope. The love shines through their eyes and words and  lights my day. My gran used to say, " look for angels in unusual places", indeed she was right, they are all around me.

First chemo: and then fate and fight stood up...

Need to get your house in order, need to plan and end.
Need to be a realist, time how best to spend.

Don't be a fool, prepare but dream.
Don't waste the time with detailed scheme.
Hear the love, the care, the hope.
All around you don't dare mope.

Feel fatality closing fast.
Time & mortality, seasons past..
New infections, asthma too.
Call in the doctor, flashing blue.

Get off your bum, stand up &ight.
Get going positivity, shine the light.
You owe it to you, to all of them.
Refute the where, the who, the when!

But I'm so tired, so much to do.
Just let me sleep, pain not renew.
I can't keep doing, l'm weak, I'm small,
Chemo attacking, too much, big call.

You don't have choices, need to believe, pull on those gloves, focus breathe!
Fitness ready, faith intact.
Bell rings, here's Rocky coming back!

Betwixt  the two, of fight and of fear,
Lies an ocean of emption, a canyon severe.
It must be crossed over, you can't loose the way,
Look up, see the sunshine, clean fresh; a new day!

Noisy Ward August 2014

Nurses nattering, night,night, night.
Can't get to sleep, fight, fight, fight.
Medics on duty, thinking its day.
Rest of us shattered, please go away!

Sleep on the sofa. Nap in a chair.
Avoiding commotion, TV blare.
Peace in the ward, possible to keep.
Just go away & let me sleep!