Ode to my Grandmother and Mother...the plight of so many women. With love...

I feel it coming, I want you close,
To shield and nurture. Goodness knows.

You held me tightly and went within,

To hold a baby, that's not a sin.

You tried so hard, so cruel your fate.

Alone & lonesome. No friend , no mate.

The world conspired. Generations too.

You were not wanted, in that way true.

A Guardsman skilful, your pity took.

In lace & laughter, your world he shook. 

Then left you loveless, to fend & fear.

A child was taken. That price too dear!

T'was years later , you found your soul.

Who loved you truly and all was whole.

But babies change you. They scar and touch.

You could not give love. You'd lost so much!

And lonely child, you raised apart.

She had no friends, she stood apart.

And learned full circle, when her time came.

She couldn't cope. It was the same!

She wanted badly, she tried so hard.

But separation and bonds a shard.

Doomed maybe always, though love and care.

This damaged twosome, felt life's despair.

When love is lost and no one sees,

The pain & crying. "Just help me please".

And then you held this babe of mine.

Your heart was whole. You'd found your time.

Now he has grown and babe no more.

And lost alone, you help implore.

Stop just one minute. Be still don't cry.

I love you mother and I will try.

I cannot stop the tick of time.

To each allotted. No reason, rhyme.

But I can help you not to fear.

Be still and calm now. Comfort near.

Over time and Inspiriation

My Facebook account told me yesterday that it was two years ago that I had the third of my four cancer operations and how I then hoped it would all be over with. Little did I know then that this was merely the beginning and that I'd sit here two years on ,grateful but continuing the daily challenge, that is my life.

And every one of those intervening days I have found inspiration from some one or something. I've not always been upbeat, my own harsh internal realism makes it impossible for me to hide and the world can be cruelly damming. Yet through my journey so many and so much has lifted me up and continues to thrill my heart & brighten my day. From the flowers of spring and  the messages from friends to the continuous and ever deep positivity and love of my husband and family...pure inspiration, I thank you

And recently  I was reminded by a new inspiration, the cancer journey of others; some further along than me and some just starting that rocky road, but all inspiring. Its hard to recall the harsh physical realities of Chemo, not that you can't remember, but that your brain screens out the reality, shuts off the overwhelming effects of being slowly but effectively cured ,but poisoned! So in talking to two neighbours in France(one English & one French), both undergoing chemo for breast cancer. I was reinspired by their  human resilience and reminded that the steps towards the goal have to sometimes be very small.

For one lady it was getting the energy to achieve the smallest task and the psychological courage to go out and about and for the other, an elderly farmers wife, it was about not doing as many tasks and looking after herself. Two different ages, natioanlities, outlook and  journeys, but their determination to lift their heads and walk on was and is inspiring. Then there are the messages, sent through social media,from an acquaintance whose husband, a in his forties ,has an embolism & bleed in his brain and is in hospital in an induced coma.

Her journey is different but she continues a forty mile trip daily to sit by his bedside & talk to him. Friends, relatives and neighbours I understand are helping, stepping in to support in big & little ways, it restores your faith in human nature. With all that is bad and evil in this world  close in we step towards each other we are inspired to help.

So yesterday my elderly French neighbour, with little hair and grey palour, took the arm I offered and slowly walked up the randonne. She was tired, she said, the chemo is difficult she said, but look around you the spring flowers are all here and summer is just close. Do you have further treatment she asked me, I explained I return every three months and never know what the bloods and scans will show, but I'm good. Her old eyes turned to me and she smiled;  we must always remember, whatever the world brings, life is good she said. "Regarde les fleurs, la soleil; la vie ce belle".

I couldn't agree more!

And thank you all who give me that personal inspiration...

Three month normality, but you don't have to read this...

I haven't written my cancer blog for some months. Its not because I have nothing to say or that I have lost interest in the world, more that I feel that a state of 'normality' has settled.

You don't usually, in your daily life, feel the need to write your thoughts, examine your emotions or reassess your goals. What you do and think is 'normal', you just go on, but on the cancer journey you question everything & all is in turmoil, nothing is stable.
However for the last couple of months, in terms of cancer, all has been 'normal'.

Life's ups and downs have continued and time taken with illness in the family and elderly parents have rushed in to fill the void left by 'normality', taken the time. And so it has given me time to reflect, to dare to look back and to wonder what next, how can I use this experience.

Several months ago deep into the radiology, an acquaintance said to a friend, they were 'sick of hearing about cancer' and questioned why 'people need to air it all'. My reply and that of my friend was, well you don't have to read it. This is my 'Diagnosis Journal', the jigsaw pieces are my life and mine alone. It saddens me that fear or spite, or whatever causes such a reaction can be so harmful. These words are for me and reach out for me, if they entertain, arouse emotion or empathy along the way so be it, but they are mine!

But it made me stop and think about writing. Like many a creative person I'm sure I questioned whether this was self indulgent and, by merit of it being a medical journal somewhat attention seeking...a sort of literary Munchausen Syndrome? Then I came to the rational decision that if 'existing, loving, caring enduring, fearing, suffering, overcoming, experiencing' and 'living' were all 'normal', as indeed we all know them to be, writing them is merely an expression of that human condition. I think the person who said this and others who shy from me have their own problems and my words or actions on this cancer journey ignite their fear.


So I'm back. Back to my three month interim 'normal'. Back to my inadequacies and failings , back to my strengths and uncertain abilities and most important back in France. And I think this reflective time has given me a very special gift, I can try to give to others a little of the care & love that has been given to me.