C'est la vie et il ya une bonne vie... A short French break

OK in France, albeit temporarily, but back. I feel like a prisoner on parole, released from the prison of cancer and its treatments and for a brief time I can be normal; breathe the clean air and live.

We’ve laughed and cried together, wined and dined in style and all the time I’ve kept thinking, “These people don’t know, I’m just ordinary to them”, it’s so good to just be ordinary. This illness seeps into your soul, makes you question everything and feel apart from everybody, so it’s great when you can just be you.

My birthday was very special with meals out, gifts and wonderful messages. Lots of smiles and a short holiday in Amboise, the beautiful old town on the Loire river famed for its amazing light and tufa stone buildings. Leonardo di Vinci spent his last years here inventing & creating in his inimitable genius manner, until dying, at the then grand old age, of sixty seven. 

It’s a magical place, even with the tourists thronging its narrow historic streets, because it retains a dignity and renaissance charm and it gives me a feeling of great hope and peace. Maybe it’s the light on the water, or the crispness of the air? Maybe it’s the clean white stone raising from the valley floor in a multitude of turrets & roof lines. But whatever it is, I always feel revitalised.

It’s not been easy to take some of the comments about myself, because I look so healthy. Or the avoidance that some have done because they are afraid to say or not say something, but Amboise reminds me to keep things clear, to stay focussed. Truth is it’s always better to say something, even ‘like’ on social media, nothing shows just that no care. I’m planning for life and leaving the dross behind me.

So we've come back to our little village and friends visiting & planning social gatherings, it’s really lovely. I still feel a little out of sync, in a different time warp and when husband and friends talk I’m not sure where my head is, but I’m staying mindful and living in the moment, in the day and for the future.

What is it Theodore Rosevelt said,

‘Do what you can, with what you have, where you are!’

Well that’s me with a lot of help from family & friends. So thank you all, you keep me smiling and, like Amboise, revitalise my world and spread a gentle but clear light across my life, into every dark corner and your kindness touches my very soul.

Lost the picture, lost my place...le voyage continue mes amis

I'm in a place I didn't expect to be just yet. It's a difficult time and I have to  and think again.
I came back from France to see the oncologist, post PET scan, leaving husband there as we thought all was OK, only to find out that the cancer had spread /returned into a chain of lymph nodes in my abdomen. Son who was with me was brilliant & both took notes,asked questions and was hugely supportive. But it was a shock... I feel & look hale & healthy, but suddenly my jigsaw existence has become rather grey.

The overriding feeling is one of acute disappointment! Yes I'm fearful but more than anything disappointment! I'll miss another summer in France this time in having  probably 25 sessions of radiotherapy.

So what do you do? How do you react? Where is your head? I felt sadness but determination, fear but hope & relieved they could do something.

So here I am rather lost for words trying to communicate how life is & how I feel. Family &  friends have rallied, visited called chatted & consoled, but I rapidly came to the decision that I just had to get on with living.

 Strengthened by all the kindness and closing the door on those few who not just ignore, but actively show their distaste ; I have donned the gloves again ready for the fight. At the beginning of my treatment over a year ago my step daughter nicknamed me Rocky, after the fighter in the film... so Rocky is in training & will be next match ready.

Nights have been fitful or sleepless as by brain tries to assess the danger & bring me to that quiet place, where you can cope with getting on with living. Hence last night I was checking mails on the internet and read about the Paris Brest Paris distance cycle ride which comes close to our house in France & I thought Id check out its history.

Started in1891 this is not so much a race but an endurance test over a continuous 1200km and the participants are called randonneurs not cyclists. Known for its  'civilised enjoyment of cycling', this cycle ride is looking for the 'perfect cyclist, any distance, any weather  and self -sufficient'.

Interesting you might think but how does this relate to my predicament or indeed that of so many others. Well it was the quote at the end which made me sit up, literally, and take note, because the organisers of this continuous ride say its, 'more about challenging yourself than beating other people'.

 Sure there is a medal for all who finishing under 90 hours, but the whole emphasis is about your doing your best and ,according to the very gentlemanly rules,helping others along the way. Spectators along the route know this and cheer as much for the last person as for the first; they are 'all winners' because they are following their own quest.

So here's my mantra, I'll become a cancer  randonneur; I'll follow the direction of that distance race, but in my life real time. To quote their philosophy...'Have fun, go fast if you like, challenge yourself & others, but remember its not a race'.

Now, where did I put those bicycle clips?