I'm in a place I didn't expect to be just yet. It's a difficult time and I have to and think again.
I came back from France to see the oncologist, post PET scan, leaving husband there as we thought all was OK, only to find out that the cancer had spread /returned into a chain of lymph nodes in my abdomen. Son who was with me was brilliant & both took notes,asked questions and was hugely supportive. But it was a shock... I feel & look hale & healthy, but suddenly my jigsaw existence has become rather grey.
The overriding feeling is one of acute disappointment! Yes I'm fearful but more than anything disappointment! I'll miss another summer in France this time in having probably 25 sessions of radiotherapy.
So what do you do? How do you react? Where is your head? I felt sadness but determination, fear but hope & relieved they could do something.
So here I am rather lost for words trying to communicate how life is & how I feel. Family & friends have rallied, visited called chatted & consoled, but I rapidly came to the decision that I just had to get on with living.
Strengthened by all the kindness and closing the door on those few who not just ignore, but actively show their distaste ; I have donned the gloves again ready for the fight. At the beginning of my treatment over a year ago my step daughter nicknamed me Rocky, after the fighter in the film... so Rocky is in training & will be next match ready.
Nights have been fitful or sleepless as by brain tries to assess the danger & bring me to that quiet place, where you can cope with getting on with living. Hence last night I was checking mails on the internet and read about the Paris Brest Paris distance cycle ride which comes close to our house in France & I thought Id check out its history.
Started in1891 this is not so much a race but an endurance test over a continuous 1200km and the participants are called randonneurs not cyclists. Known for its 'civilised enjoyment of cycling', this cycle ride is looking for the 'perfect cyclist, any distance, any weather and self -sufficient'.
Interesting you might think but how does this relate to my predicament or indeed that of so many others. Well it was the quote at the end which made me sit up, literally, and take note, because the organisers of this continuous ride say its, 'more about challenging yourself than beating other people'.
Sure there is a medal for all who finishing under 90 hours, but the whole emphasis is about your doing your best and ,according to the very gentlemanly rules,helping others along the way. Spectators along the route know this and cheer as much for the last person as for the first; they are 'all winners' because they are following their own quest.
So here's my mantra, I'll become a cancer randonneur; I'll follow the direction of that distance race, but in my life real time. To quote their philosophy...'Have fun, go fast if you like, challenge yourself & others, but remember its not a race'.
Now, where did I put those bicycle clips?
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