I suppose its the same with all life threatening illnesses, the damage and the remedies all have their own side effects, their own set of problems. But with the Big C it seems the cures are seemingly overtly fraught with their own set of side effects.
Chemotherapy, dependent on its mix causes nausea, fatigue, hair loss, memory problems, neuropathy, taste problems, hearing loss, appetite changes, nerve damage,weight loss or gain, bladder and or bowel issues, tinnitus, nail changes and many many more.
Radiotherapy, depending on how much & where causes nausea, skin problems, fatigue, bone problems, digestive & bowel issues, burns, local hair loss, taste & smell, joint problems and many many more.
Surgery can have a vast number of side effects dependent on type & complexity and cover both physical changes & psychological issues involved.And all the while the healing process is hampered by the damage to other systems caused by any number of therapies
But its not so much the symptoms during the treatments that cause the difficulties, its the fact that they can continue weeks or months after the actual treatment. In the words of the medics, 'It goes on cooking' and so just as you feel you are improving, things slip back. Then on top of this is, the compound effect of one treatment after another, all attacking your body to kill those cancer cells, but also attacking & damaging healthy cells, delaying or impeding your immune or lymphatic systems. The whole body has to deal with an onslaught of chemicals & radiation.
Now I'm not saying for one moment that these treatments are not worth it, they are designed to save or improve your quality of life. But unlike most other times in your medical life nothing is predictable, nothing can be taken as read.
Past history tells us that operations heal, limbs mend, diseases respond and symptoms improve; you take your cure and all goes back to normal.
But not so cancer, you are never the same, never back to your old self. We all try to put on a positive face, seem upbeat, look normal and do normal. So a wonderful night out with friends and a slightly different diet and bedtime, something that's hardly a hardship, suddenly becomes two days of symptoms & fatigue. I'm not complaining, just observing and noting if its difficult for those fellow patients, its very confusing for on lookers, for everyone else. one minute seemingly fine then not. Its difficult to explain, seems counter intuitive and is frustrating for every one. Its as though you have become instantly old, no matter what age you start at, things don't work; senses & limbs malfunction, systems and fitness falter.
As my husband, a cancer survivor of some twenty five years or more put it, cancer gives you immediate access to an exclusive club; its not one you want to join , but you are a member and that's for life. So a pain or twinge makes us think, an area of your body that's sensitive or a random cough can become a real worry. Is it back, am I in danger? Pain is a part of living, without it in everyday life we would injure ourselves more, undertake riskier activities and not learn what is healthy for our bodies. We need it to tell us when to stop, when to move and mostly we don't think about it. Our autonomic system just keeps everything running and our wonderful bodies continue their amazing self healing processes.
Pain as a teacher is something I learnt about recently, having injured my foot some five / six weeks ago. Initially & because of the cancer, my age and the fact that I'd recently flown, I was tested for DVT, lymphoedema and infection; scanned, medicated & massaged, but to no avail. It was only when all else was checked that an X ray disclosed that I had indeed broken the second metatarsal in my left foot. Seems that the neuropathy, caused by the chemotherapy damaging nerves, which means I have limited feeling in my foot, had shielded the fact that I must have broken & then walked on my left foot.
With cancer you have to accept your vulnerability even the potential of your own death. Cancer challenges everything about yourself, sets new rules, breaks old boundaries and never lets you know what's next. So when a friend said recently that they'd come and visit when, "you're back to your old self", my response was short & I hope not too harsh.
Simply, "Make it soon. I'm the same me, but will never be the old self!"
