Three month normality, but you don't have to read this...

I haven't written my cancer blog for some months. Its not because I have nothing to say or that I have lost interest in the world, more that I feel that a state of 'normality' has settled.

You don't usually, in your daily life, feel the need to write your thoughts, examine your emotions or reassess your goals. What you do and think is 'normal', you just go on, but on the cancer journey you question everything & all is in turmoil, nothing is stable.
However for the last couple of months, in terms of cancer, all has been 'normal'.

Life's ups and downs have continued and time taken with illness in the family and elderly parents have rushed in to fill the void left by 'normality', taken the time. And so it has given me time to reflect, to dare to look back and to wonder what next, how can I use this experience.

Several months ago deep into the radiology, an acquaintance said to a friend, they were 'sick of hearing about cancer' and questioned why 'people need to air it all'. My reply and that of my friend was, well you don't have to read it. This is my 'Diagnosis Journal', the jigsaw pieces are my life and mine alone. It saddens me that fear or spite, or whatever causes such a reaction can be so harmful. These words are for me and reach out for me, if they entertain, arouse emotion or empathy along the way so be it, but they are mine!

But it made me stop and think about writing. Like many a creative person I'm sure I questioned whether this was self indulgent and, by merit of it being a medical journal somewhat attention seeking...a sort of literary Munchausen Syndrome? Then I came to the rational decision that if 'existing, loving, caring enduring, fearing, suffering, overcoming, experiencing' and 'living' were all 'normal', as indeed we all know them to be, writing them is merely an expression of that human condition. I think the person who said this and others who shy from me have their own problems and my words or actions on this cancer journey ignite their fear.


So I'm back. Back to my three month interim 'normal'. Back to my inadequacies and failings , back to my strengths and uncertain abilities and most important back in France. And I think this reflective time has given me a very special gift, I can try to give to others a little of the care & love that has been given to me.