It's a sort of in between feeling, a limbo, as I wait, yet again. Finished the last of ten radiotherapy sessions eight weeks ago. Saw the oncologist after six weeks, further scan after seven...its all numbers, everything measured in time, my life counted out.
Used to be I measured time by school terms, seven to eight weeks of work to every break; booked appointments, family visits, friends activities and yearly celebrations marking the time. There were jobs to do in those holidays, people to see, life to catch up on. And all the time plan for how to achieve the next goal, make the next step, whether that be personal or professional.
Holidays and hobbies, passions and interests and plenty of good times. I cycled, skied, windsurfed and sailed. On horseback or motorbike, gym shoes or walking boots. The goals were measured in numbers and levels: how far run, what grade in karate, what wind speed, which sail size and all those numbers celebrated.
And then there was professional development; Open University, London Externals, night classes and courses. Psychology & leadership, dyslexia and behaviour difficulties, headship and lecturing. Never staying still always looking to improve, understand more, challenge and question; my time devoted to those children & young people with learning or behaviour difficulties.
And more latterly the goals have been French orientated; early retirement, renovation, learning a language & culture and setting up a small holiday business www.abientot-art.com. More goals, more chalenges, time passing tick tock, tick tock...
And why am I musing this now, well it was all about long term goals and control. Cancer has you questioning or rearranging anything long term and the control passes entirely to the medics.So here I am in between: between the two worlds of what I was and who I am and waiting, pacing time.
Hence I was fascinated when I watched a programme fronted by Professor Brian Cox entitled, ' What time is it?' With his incredible mix of science and story telling he explained in stages how time is measured in different ways and that there is no definitive answer The earth is apparently slowing down on its axis, very gradually, but slowing and time is thus moving differently. The Myans believed in honouring space and the movement of the planets, a balance between time and space. Brian Coxs physicists assertion that potentially 'Time made space', was intriguing and rang home with me.
Time may be segmented, currently measured intensely, but always linked with perception.The time space continuum may be complex and hard to comprehend, but endless and everlasting.
Now that's what you call long term goals....sorted!
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