I started this blog wondering what it felt like just before the bullet hit about those seconds when you realised the fatality, before you could respond to the event; well now I realise that this shock and those events work both ways...for both good and bad news!
Two weeks ago I went to find out the results of the latest PET scan. Hopeful, but afraid, trying to be strong , but resigned. What happened that afternoon stunned me into silence. I mean total, physical, emotional, spiritual all embracing silence...a vacuum of a place, isolated and pristine.
It was not the mediocre news I hoped for, nor the devastating news I expected, it was very good news. Post chemo 3 cycles, they could find no further trace of cancer in my lower body!
Say that again, how can that be, I can't believe this, you are joking, its a mistake, are you sure, what does it mean; all questions tumbling through your mind all clamouring for attention, demanding answers. Smiling faces, reassuring nods, reaffirmations, confusions and, above all, deep inside, silence.
The jigsaw had just been thrown up in the air and where the pieces fell I had no idea.
We shouted, we cried, we made calls, we sent messages, we packed and we ran off to France briefly, afraid someone would take the gift from us. And since then we can't think, can't reason, don't know whether to plan or consolidate. I am by no means in the clear, not cured, I still have to have three more chemotherapy cycles and there are still areas of uncertainty in my upper torso, but maybe, just maybe the jigsaw picture has changed.
Everyone is delighted, but uncertain how to react; is she better, can we stop worrying, so there's radio silence. Its taken me this long & post a forth chemo cycle to actually write the blog again, its as though I daren't risk saying anything, just in case I tempt fate. But is it fate or fear? Am I too anxious ? Can I, dare I even relax a little? I look reasonably well, have not lost my hair or become emaciated? Is this real?
Chemotherapy has levelled all that, knocking me back & reminding me I'm not out of the woods, just not in the deep forest. And for those I love it gives them a glimpse of those far glistening horizons, which I can't see yet, a promise or vibrant dawns and stunning sunsets.
My 'Grey Jigsaw' just got a whole lot more colourful, I need to bathe in that sunlight!
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