It’s been difficult being back in the UK, as my ninety year
old mum is struggling! Now for those of you who have close bonds with their
mothers this might be difficult to follow, but my mum is a gem, , I love her
dearly, shes one of a kind and liked by all, but she has never been close and she struggles with physical proximity.
Reared as an only and over indulged child, she does not make friends easily,
though she has a wonderful way in being with people, so long as they don’t get
close. When folks tell me their mum was or is their best friend I cry a little
inside, I’d love to have that relationship.
Through thick and thin I’ve stood by her. When she got
divorced forty five years ago, I moved home and spent my savings taking her on
her then only foreign holiday. She has spent many holidays since, many weeks
and weekends staying with us. When I was working I tried to see her every week
and help in any way I could. But families are families and, unlike my father
(who thankfully is also still alive) who shows affection readily, and my best
efforts, mum and I are not close.
Sadly she has several age associated ailments, is getting
frail and also lives on her own, but her difficulty is not so much in what is
happening to her, but more about her inability to accept change. She’s built
skills over the years to cope with the day to day, but she’s never stepped away
from the safe or ventured into her own mind or really considered her own
responses. For mum, everything is resolvable by spending money, blaming the
world, buying favours or trying to control everyone.
I love her to bits, but shes become unable to accept help,
afraid and in denial as to changes. It
sounds harsh, but she has no time for others; my cancer journey, my birthday
are an irrelevances, she turns away. All the time she insists she’s fine but is
driving the family mad. On the one hand she doesn’t want to be alone, but won’t
accept help coming in or any change. She is too afraid to sleep in her bed, but
insiists there’s no problem. She will neither talk to or about her difficulties,
but just wants it to go away. Like a child, she is unable to understand that
things change, she rejects anything or anyone who tries to help.
So each meeting, face to face or by phone is an emotional
roller coaster and takes my resolve down. The social worker thinks counselling
would help, the medics suggest assistance support and the family give a mixture
of too much attention or not enough structure. Meanwhile, in my limbo of life,
always now aware that I must needs enjoy every moment, ‘live for the day’ I
struggle to help, indeed to cope.
I read a story about a psychologist explaining a concept to
an eager audience. She asked someone to hold a glass, at arms length,
outstretched and, as the talk continued she kept topping the glass up with
water until it was full. At the end of the talk the psychologist asked the
audience what they thought of the demonstration and, thinking the concept was
that of the ‘Stress Bucket’, which when constantly filled, overflows, they
responded accordingly.
“No”, explained the speaker, “it’s not how much emotion, how
much stress, how much anxiety, that’s the water. Its not your ability to cope
or offload or de-stress, that’s the glass”.
“The problem is how long you have to hold the glass full of
water at an arms length!”
For me that arms length is my life to date and, I need to put
down that glass a little and breathe…
No comments:
Post a Comment