Well we got
back to France; eighteen months of operations and treatments; a helter skelter
ride of diagnosis and scans; too may drugs, too many uncertainties; lots of
support, family & friends; yeah we got back to France.
I suppose I
assumed all would come right, my health would go on improving, life would rally
round and things would slide into a new sort of normal. People who had shown
disregard would show compassion and situations and ailments that occur would
just blend into our improved positive outlook.
It was never
going to be a ‘normal’ as before, innocence lost & fears faced, but some
kind of ‘normal’. It’s true I am beginning to build my fitness, I have returned
to the village classroom and we are rapidly catching up on the maintenance of
all those months of neglect. The house & garden are blooming and our gite
is nearly out of mothballs & ready to run.
But you
never know, once the Big C has planted its seed in your body & mind, the
tendrils, real & worried about, stay forever. People, it seems, don’t
change; many stay stalwart & positive, happy in our return to the country
& health, whilst others remain unempathetic and harsh. I wonder if they
ever consider that one day this or something much the same will hit them; we
all have to face mortality, there are no free passes; I wonder then how they
will feel & how they will expect others to react to them.
I have, for
the last ten days been suffering from a pain in my right flank. Initially sharp
and intermittent, then gradually less acute & more constant, an ache which
has lowered my outlook and lit up my fear. I have taken the medications, drunk
plenty of water, rested & exercised in equal measures, but nothing has made
it go away: So today I had to grit my teeth, step out of my safe pink granite
farmhouse & step bravely into the world of medicine again.
Now if you've ever had a serious illness you will know how you just want to be normal, want it to end and the last thing you want is the uncertainty of it continuing
or worsening. My husband put his arm around me & stared deeply into my
eyes, he was willing me to be well...loving me better.
And love is
what will make things better; repair or renew, give surety or solace, through
the uncertainties of this journey and indeed life itself. And for those who
find me or my illness a challenge, I make no apology; I don’t intend to
convince anyone of my worth. I stand with the people who truly value me; they
give me the strength to go on.
Just for a
while I’ve lost some of the pieces of the jigsaw, my picture is incomplete
& I need help to find those pieces, but I have people who will do just that
and for that I am so grateful. You know who you are. You are the ones who stand
quietly and gently take my hand, actual or imaginary. You are the ones who don’t
have another agenda, don’t feel challenged or confronted. You pick up the
phone, type the text or simply think of me. Even when you don’t know what to
say, even when there is nothing to say; you are my silent guardians on the path
to positivity. And I thank you for that gift of life...
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